Self-Compassion - what's it all about?

Yesterday, as you're probably aware, was Valentine's Day. Yes, I agree, a lot of it is commercialised, however I'm a sucker for romance and spent yesterday afternoon happily working my way through a big box of chocolates my other half had got me.

Over the past few days though, I saw how the build up to Valentine's Day wasn't necessarily something everyone looked forward to. It got me thinking that whilst we may not all have a partner to cuddle up to on Valentine's Day, we can certainly do something to show some love towards ourselves.

I remember that a while ago I attended a support group where self-compassion was discussed. Before, I'd considered self-compassion to be too self-indulgent, maybe even selfish. But I know now I was wrong, and that in fact, it is healthy and actually necessary for us to practice self-compassion in order to feel happy in our lives and to be compassionate towards others.

But what is self-compassion, you ask. Simply put, it's treating ourselves the same we would treat others. That sounds easy, right? Well actually, a lot of us can be pretty tough on ourselves. In society, we naturally put ourselves down and strive to be something or someone else to what we are, believing this is better. We know that bullying others is wrong, yet we seem to be happy to be bullies to ourselves.

Image courtesy of Pinterest

Dr. Kristen Neff has conducted research into self-compassion for several years after becoming interested in Buddhism and mindfulness. She has since published her own book, entitled Self-Compassion, and has created an eight-week programme which teaches self-compassion skills. Neff suggests there are three core principles of self compassion:

1. Self-kindness -  This 'entails being warm and understanding toward ourselves when we suffer, fail, or feel inadequate, rather than ignoring our pain or flagellating ourselves with self-criticism.' 

2. Common humanity - 'recognizing that suffering and personal inadequacy is part of the shared human experience – something that we all go through rather than being something that happens to “me” alone.'

3. Mindfulness - Self compassion 'requires taking a balanced approach to our negative emotions so that feelings are neither suppressed nor exaggerated'.

(Read more about Dr.Neff's elements of compassion by clicking here.)

Dr. Neff has also created an online test which aims to test how self-compassionate we are. I completed the questionnare and was a bit taken aback with the results. My overall score was 1.44 - Dr. Neff says that a score of 1 - 2.5 indicates that you are low in self-compassion... so, yeah, I'm pretty low! But as I completed the test I started to pick up on how I was very quick to recognise my flaws and ruminate on them to the point where they cause me a fair deal of upset. You can complete the test yourself by clicking here.

But how do we become more self-compassionate?

Google 'self-compassion' and there are of course a lot of search results. Thankfully, practising self-compassion doesn't have to be hard. Ultimately, it's about treating yourself well, recognising you have flaws like everyone else does but to learn to accept them and to not give yourself a hard time about them. So start off small - take a bath, take a day off from social media, read a book, or buy yourself a bunch of flowers. 

Remember though that self-compassion isn't something that we just do and then it's done. It's about learning to incorporate self-care regularly into our lives. That's where Dr. Neff's work comes back in - she's created some really simple exercises that explore different acts of self-compassion. For example, one exercise asks you to explore how you would treat a friend and compare that to how you would treat yourself. Another looks at changing how you talk to yourself. Read the exercises in full by clicking here.

What I struggle with the most, the same as a lot of others do too, I'm sure, is learning that self-compassion isn't selfish. In fact, it's necessary for us to practice for us to live a healthy and balanced life. If we don't care for ourselves first, how can we expect to help others appropriately? 

Image courtesy of Pinterest.

Being self-compassionate is a lot like learning to be mindful - it takes hard work and a lot of practice, and I know for me, this is something that will come as I become more stable. I find that I am slowly learning to care for myself more as I'm taking more long, hot baths and cooking myself a good meal. I feel better afterwards for taking that time out to do something that is purely for me. But I know that long term, it will be about changing the critical voice in my mind.

So start today and tell yourself you will practice one act of self-compassion. Complete Dr, Neff's online test first to give yourself a better understanding of what you need to build on and go from there. It doesn't have to be extravagant, but it's important to take that time each day if possible, just for you. Take a bath, cook yourself a decent meal, go for a run, bake a cake, write a letter to yourself, or do something creative. It doesn't matter what it is as long as it is for you, and is something you want to do. 

Let me know how you will be self-compassionate today.

AG -x-

Further Reading

• self-compassion.org - The website of Dr. Kristin Neff, pioneering researcher in self-compassion.
• The Compassionate Mind - The work of Professor Paul Gilbert. The foundation ' aims to promote wellbeing through the scientific understanding and application of compassion.' Also contains links to his books which I recommend. 
• PsychCentral - 5 Strategies for Self-Compassion - An article that also dis-spells myths surrounding self-compassion and provides helpful strategies to practice it. 
• Happify - Their infographic breaks self-compassion down into easily-digested chunks. Why not complete their programme too? It aims to change negative thinking patterns and build resilience.