Be gentle - we're fighting a battle.

Today I faced a big dilemma.

I decided it might be an idea to try and do a little volunteering at my local charity shop. I walked in and was greeted by  lovely lady who sat me down and talked me through an application form. Whilst I sat there filling it out, one of the other volunteers came in to start her shift. She then went on to explain how she had had a sickness bug the other day and 'couldn't keep anything down' and it was one of the worst experiences she ever had.

Well, I have OCD and emetophobia, an extreme fear of vomiting. I started to panic. I was sitting surrounded by strangers, wanting to just throw the pen I had in my hand and run, run, run. I needed to scrub my hands until they were clean. I needed to get out of the clothes I was in. It was dreadful. My mind was racing - my handbag was on the floor and all I could think about was that it was covered in germs. I'd touched a pen - had she touched that pen? I'd sat on a stool - had she touched that stool? When your mind starts racing this way, it's difficult to think about anything else. Heck, it's impossible. I had to try hold a conversation all whilst my heart was racing, my hands were sweating and my knee started jiggling, wanting to run out of the shop.

Stupidly, I agreed that I'd start tomorrow. Now I'm home, I realise that's not something I can do. And it is a horrible feeling. Knowing that someone had been so ill so recently and not knowing what they had touched and what I would have to touch tomorrow is just too much for my mind to take in. Now for other individuals, you may think I'm being irrational, drastic, and giving up a good opportunity. I wish, with all my heart, I could look at this situation differently, but I simply can't, and I also wish people understood the turmoil I, and others like me, have to go through on a daily basis.

Nothing is simple for me any more. Everything is regimented. Things have to be done to a certain standard for my brain to believe they are safe, and it is exhausting trying to up keep this level of hygiene. And what's worse is that times like today, it really shows that it affects my ability to function as a 'normal' member of society. Because I am so afraid I cannot work at the charity shop any more, because one person came in and said they had been ill. It's difficult to not get down about situations like this.

The sad thing is that there are so many others like me going through this, every single day of their lives. And I am ashamed to say that I am embarrassed in some ways. Today when I was filling out that application form, I didn't have the confidence to say 'I'm about to have a panic attack, I'll be back in a moment'. I hid it, and kept it in, making it not only mentally more painful, but also physically more difficult for me. And because I have had to give up the opportunity, I am now riddled with guilt, believing that I have let other people down, and also myself.

I wish we could talk about this kind of thing more. For those of us with mental health problems, we are fighting a battle every day, and sometimes the little things are the most difficult tasks for us. As a society, why can't we make this easier on those who suffer with ill mental health? If I'd have gone in there today as a diabetic and needed insulin all of a sudden, no one would have batted an eyelid. But I felt I had to hide my true feelings, hide the battle I was fighting.

If you know someone with a mental health problem, be gentle with them, for they are fighting a battle you may not understand or know of. Small tasks can be daunting, so offer support where needed whilst also being mindful that they probably want their own independence. Recognise that when they cancel plans or rearrange things last minute that they are actually being strong recognising that they have reached a limitation for that day and they need to look after themselves. It takes strength and courage to say no or to ask for help.

Also, remember that if they do change/cancel/rearrange plans and what not, that they may be feeling guilty. It's something a lot of individuals with mental health problems have to struggle with and it can be upsetting - I often feel like a let down, a burden and a just a bit of a crap person. Reassure the individual that it's okay and that you understand they have to do what is best for their health. If they'd twisted your ankle you wouldn't expect them to come walking with you, and we need to look at mental health in the same way.

Let's work towards reducing the stigma. Let's fight towards allowing us with mental health problems to be proud of who we are, despite our illnesses, and to not let these define us. We should be able to speak up when we're struggling and to not be afraid to show who we really are. We are doing the best we can with the tools that we've got and that, I think, deserves a round of applause.

Doing nothing is a-okay.

Something I have been struggling with a lot recently is simply being.

Due to my mental health, I've been unable to work for a while now. It's something that I do miss and I hope to return back to soon, but since leaving hospital a couple of months ago, I've found I have more time on my hands, and for some reason, a lot of guilt too.

My partner works a full time job, works hard at what he does and has long days because of it. I'm proud of him, and if it weren't for him, I probably would find myself in a situation where I HAD to work very long hours myself, which, in conjunction with my mental illnesses, just wouldn't work out very well.

Ever since I was young, I've worked, and I've worked hard. I've had numerous jobs, and I've always done my best and worked as hard as I was capable of doing. My mental health has gotten in a way of most of jobs, and it's something I've gotten down about on numerous occasions, but this is the first time in my life where I have been deemed medically unfit to work without an idea of when I'll be returning to employment.

That means that I now have a lot of free time at home alone. When I first left hospital, I was grateful for this time. I got my house back to how I liked, I slept when I needed to and just took it day by day. Now, a couple of months has past and I often feel overwhelmed with guilt. Should I be doing even more around the house? Should I be working full time? How is this fair on my partner? It's become a bit of an endless torment and is something I have genuinely really struggled with. In fact, I've become annoying! I say to my partner most days 'I should be doing this...' and 'I really ought to do that...' when all my partner wants for me is to rest.

I've been doing some thinking and one thing I'm slowly starting to learn is that recovery is going to take me a long time and I need to work on not being so hard on myself.

My depression means I get tired more that most people, so I need more rest. My anxiety and OCD exhausts me, so it's important I have time to recuperate and rebuild my strength. My BPD can make it hard to juggle a lot of things at once, so having a basic routine is enough for me to be dealing with right now. But why can't I just accept I need time off? Time to have therapy, adjust to my medications, and take some time out from life?

I've decided to start challenging my thoughts a little, with some help from my partner. Instead of focusing on what I haven't done in a day, I'm trying to focus on what I have achieved. So if all I achieved one day is therapy, that's okay, because actually that's a pretty big thing and I need to rest afterwards. Other days I blitz clean the house, and that's more than enough because I'm keeping a lovely tidy home and managing to stay on top of it.

And then there are the days where my mental health becomes too much and all I manage is move from the bed to the sofa and watch Cinderella. And you know what? That's okay. I'm having to fight a battle that others aren't, and it's about time I accepted that and took some time out.

This week, I've managed to recognise more things I have achieved and it feels good to highlight them rather than concentrate on the fact that I'm not working and 'bringing home the bacon' right now. So for example, one thing I did this week was try out some yoga. It's something I've been wanting to do for a long time but just always made an excuse to not commit to. And I felt so good afterwards. Yeah, it may not benefit the home I live in, but it benefits my health and recovery and right now, that's what is important to keep check on.

So my message this week is to remind you - it's okay to do nothing.

Don't get me wrong - there is a balance that has to be found. Doing nothing all the time is probably not good for anyone. But taking time here and there, or even a little time each day, is perfectly acceptable. To simply do whatever your mind and body says and for you to not restrict it is so rewarding. So sit and watch a Walking Dead marathon. Or go for a walk. Or bake a cake. Or sleep. Do whatever it is that your body is crying out to do, and don't feel guilty for listening to it. 

I think this is something we all need to do from time to time. It's especially important if you're suffering with a mental illness, but actually we all need down time where we're kind to ourselves and just give ourselves some room to breathe.

My message is to not let you eat it up. I have done this for a long time, not accepted that I am fighting a battle others know nothing about, and instead felt guilty for having time out from life. But I'm slowly learning it's okay to do nothing. Just be.

My Secret, Trichotillomania.

When I was 10 years old, I told a lie.

I don't remember if anything had happened that day. Whether there was one big trigger or whether it was lots of little things. But that night, I laid in my bed and pulled and pulled and pulled my eyelashes out, literally nearly all of them. My eyes were sore but I was tired, and I was content when I fell asleep that night. It wasn't until the next day my lie begun. I didn't think any one would notice, but my family did. And that was when I said they must have fallen out.

I was 10, just a child. I thought that if I told my family what I'd done, I'd get told off, grounded, something taken away, whatever. That was how simple it was in my mind. And I decided that I wouldn't ever tell anyone my big secret. It would be something I would die with.

As my lie grew, I had to lie to professionals. I was taken for blood tests, specialist consultants, the works, each of them more baffled than the last as to why my lashes had fallen out. It was so scary, doing all these tests and being examined so much, when I knew the truth all along. But it had gotten so big now, that to tell the truth seemed even more worse.

I was diagnosed with alopecia aereta, a condition where only some of your body hair falls out. They said it had been brought on by stress. That second part is probably true, but I knew the diagnosis was wrong in my heart. And as a 10 year old, it became so difficult to carry on my shoulders. I didn't know if I was more ashamed of my lie or the fact that I was still pulling my lashes out consistently. Some days they'd all come out, others my hands were distracted enough not to pull too much. 

When I was 21, I confessed.

I didn't know how to tell my family. My mental health had gotten so bad that I broke down. I'd researched my pulling and knew now that it had a name - trichotillomania. So I told my mum by showing her a Wikipedia page about it on my phone.

I was so fortunate to have a family who understood. I didn't get told off, not even for the lie. They knew this was something I had carried in me for years, all throughout my adolescent life. And I was so tired now of lying. My pulling had gotten worse and I'd started pulling my eyebrows out too. I was so upset.

Trichotillomania, as defined by the NHS, is an impulse-control disorder where someone has the urge to pull their hair out. The most common places tend to be the hair on the head, eyelashes or eyebrows, but the urge can be to pull hair from anywhere. The individual has such a strong urge to pull the hair that they can become distressed if they're unable to, and after they do pull the hair, they feel a sense of relief.

There's different beliefs as to why people pull their hair out. Some say that it's a form of self-harm, others believe it is a form of OCD, and some suggest that it's an addiction. I personally think the reason is different dependant on the individual, and I would say that mine is linked to my OCD, however, I can't be certain on this.

It's hard to know how many people actually live with this condition, due to many sufferers feeling guilty, embarrassed and ashamed at their condition and therefore not wanting to 'come out' with it. The Guardian suggests it affects four in 100 individuals though. Whilst there are different treatments available, most research tends to suggest that sufferers will have the condition on and off for the rest of their life. Treatments tend to be therapies such as CBT and psychotherapy. 

If you have trichotillomania, I urge you to speak out. It can be such a horrible and chronic condition to live with, and the secret of keeping it to yourself can often feel too heavy to keep to yourself. There IS support out there, and whilst it can be hard to talk about, coming 'clean' about my trich was one of the best things I've done. Now, when I've had a particularly bad episode of pulling, I can speak about it to my partner and know that it's okay.

If you know someone living with trich, be there to support them. It can be a very lonely condition and one they feel ashamed to speak about. If they feel self conscious, help them to see there are ways it can be managed such as through therapy or temporary solutions such as wigs and fake eyelashes. I've found liquid eye liner works a treat for filling gaps!

Thanks for reading my story, hopefully we can raise some more awareness about this condition.

AG -x-

Further Information

NHS Choices - Trichotillomania
The Trichotillomania Learning Center
Trichotillomania Support Online
OCD UK - Trichotillomania
Anxiety UK - Trichotillomania