Doing nothing is a-okay.

Something I have been struggling with a lot recently is simply being.

Due to my mental health, I've been unable to work for a while now. It's something that I do miss and I hope to return back to soon, but since leaving hospital a couple of months ago, I've found I have more time on my hands, and for some reason, a lot of guilt too.

My partner works a full time job, works hard at what he does and has long days because of it. I'm proud of him, and if it weren't for him, I probably would find myself in a situation where I HAD to work very long hours myself, which, in conjunction with my mental illnesses, just wouldn't work out very well.

Ever since I was young, I've worked, and I've worked hard. I've had numerous jobs, and I've always done my best and worked as hard as I was capable of doing. My mental health has gotten in a way of most of jobs, and it's something I've gotten down about on numerous occasions, but this is the first time in my life where I have been deemed medically unfit to work without an idea of when I'll be returning to employment.

That means that I now have a lot of free time at home alone. When I first left hospital, I was grateful for this time. I got my house back to how I liked, I slept when I needed to and just took it day by day. Now, a couple of months has past and I often feel overwhelmed with guilt. Should I be doing even more around the house? Should I be working full time? How is this fair on my partner? It's become a bit of an endless torment and is something I have genuinely really struggled with. In fact, I've become annoying! I say to my partner most days 'I should be doing this...' and 'I really ought to do that...' when all my partner wants for me is to rest.

I've been doing some thinking and one thing I'm slowly starting to learn is that recovery is going to take me a long time and I need to work on not being so hard on myself.

My depression means I get tired more that most people, so I need more rest. My anxiety and OCD exhausts me, so it's important I have time to recuperate and rebuild my strength. My BPD can make it hard to juggle a lot of things at once, so having a basic routine is enough for me to be dealing with right now. But why can't I just accept I need time off? Time to have therapy, adjust to my medications, and take some time out from life?

I've decided to start challenging my thoughts a little, with some help from my partner. Instead of focusing on what I haven't done in a day, I'm trying to focus on what I have achieved. So if all I achieved one day is therapy, that's okay, because actually that's a pretty big thing and I need to rest afterwards. Other days I blitz clean the house, and that's more than enough because I'm keeping a lovely tidy home and managing to stay on top of it.

And then there are the days where my mental health becomes too much and all I manage is move from the bed to the sofa and watch Cinderella. And you know what? That's okay. I'm having to fight a battle that others aren't, and it's about time I accepted that and took some time out.

This week, I've managed to recognise more things I have achieved and it feels good to highlight them rather than concentrate on the fact that I'm not working and 'bringing home the bacon' right now. So for example, one thing I did this week was try out some yoga. It's something I've been wanting to do for a long time but just always made an excuse to not commit to. And I felt so good afterwards. Yeah, it may not benefit the home I live in, but it benefits my health and recovery and right now, that's what is important to keep check on.

So my message this week is to remind you - it's okay to do nothing.

Don't get me wrong - there is a balance that has to be found. Doing nothing all the time is probably not good for anyone. But taking time here and there, or even a little time each day, is perfectly acceptable. To simply do whatever your mind and body says and for you to not restrict it is so rewarding. So sit and watch a Walking Dead marathon. Or go for a walk. Or bake a cake. Or sleep. Do whatever it is that your body is crying out to do, and don't feel guilty for listening to it. 

I think this is something we all need to do from time to time. It's especially important if you're suffering with a mental illness, but actually we all need down time where we're kind to ourselves and just give ourselves some room to breathe.

My message is to not let you eat it up. I have done this for a long time, not accepted that I am fighting a battle others know nothing about, and instead felt guilty for having time out from life. But I'm slowly learning it's okay to do nothing. Just be.