Depression is something I have lived with on and off since my teens. It's something that a lot of my family and friends know I have, yet I rarely talk about the nitty gritty that it entails. Why? Well, because if I'm being completely honest, I don't feel I can. Talking about something that affects me so deeply and causes me dark thoughts can be uncomfortable to discuss with others and there's still so much stigma attached to depression. If I'm honest, by not talking about my experiences very openly, I've probably added to that stigma on several occasions.
In this blog though, I want to try and change that a little bit.
My depression is... relentless. That's probably the best word I can think of right now. It is enduring, and difficult and can become incredibly hard to manage sometimes.
There have been numerous occasions where I have cried for no apparent reason, and times where it has caused me to cry because of being overwhelmed by what life is throwing at me. It causes me to hide away from the world, turn my phone on silent and ignore everyone and everything. When I'm in the depths of a depressive episode, I completely zone out from life and have to take it five minutes at a time because anything else is just too much.
With this comes guilt. Heavy guilt. I worry that none of my friends like me, that my family can't cope with me, and that I don't deserve to have the things I am blessed with in life. I stop doing things like I normally would, like going out or even tidying the house and I feel bad for not keeping up appearances. This in turn causes me to feel more upset and depressed - it's a vicious cycle.
There's also the times where I'm so tired from the depression I feel I can't move my limbs. They're too heavy and it seems pointless to do anything. Everything seems hopeless and I struggle to muster any energy to move.
And many people forget the physical side to depression - having no appetite at all then wanting crap food the next. Laying awake half the night due to loud, noisy thoughts and then having to sleep during the day just to get through it. The aches and pains that seem to be all over your body.
It is exhausting.
So when someone tells me to pick myself up and just get on with things, I am often left feeling hurt and more alone. It is hard to explain my depression at the best of times, but when someone says something such as 'it's not so bad for you' and 'you're young, what have you got to be depressed about?' and things along that line, I find it hard bounce back from those remarks. Because what I am dealing with in my head is torture some days. A torture within my own mind. And I feel so alone in the battle.
People can forget I have depression now I'm out of hospital too, which makes it even harder. I still face a daily battle within my head, arguing with myself, arguing with the negative thoughts. On social media, I rarely, if ever, show that side to me as I want to focus on the things I have achieved rather than giving weight to those thoughts, but once in a while, I would love to just sit and talk about what's going on in my head and see the response people give me. And that is why I have written what I have today, to reflect the reality of my depression, how it affects me, and how it is a chronic illness that knows no boundaries.
Depression chooses anyone it wants to - regardless of age, gender, social status, etc. Anyone can feel the weight of the black cloud, and it can be scary and cause you to feel alone. It has left me tired and feeling defeated on many occasions, and at times I have lost so much hope I have wanted to put an end to those thoughts all together.
If you're reading this and have depression yourself, I want you to know that you are not alone in your struggles. There are thousands of us living with this black cloud on a daily basis, and it takes strength to get out of bed when all you want to do is hide and hope for the ground to swallow you up. It takes courage to recognise you need help and to ask for it. And you should be proud of the battles you have overcome, no matter how small they may seem. There is always a reason to keep going, to not give up the fight, it's just a matter of finding it.
This week, during Depression Awareness Week, I'd like you to ask someone you know how they're REALLY feeling. Get the conversation going about mental health and find out if you're loved ones are really okay, and offer them support and direct them to charities such as Depression Alliance if they need help.
"What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the master calls a butterfly." — Richard Bach
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