Be gentle - we're fighting a battle.

Today I faced a big dilemma.

I decided it might be an idea to try and do a little volunteering at my local charity shop. I walked in and was greeted by  lovely lady who sat me down and talked me through an application form. Whilst I sat there filling it out, one of the other volunteers came in to start her shift. She then went on to explain how she had had a sickness bug the other day and 'couldn't keep anything down' and it was one of the worst experiences she ever had.

Well, I have OCD and emetophobia, an extreme fear of vomiting. I started to panic. I was sitting surrounded by strangers, wanting to just throw the pen I had in my hand and run, run, run. I needed to scrub my hands until they were clean. I needed to get out of the clothes I was in. It was dreadful. My mind was racing - my handbag was on the floor and all I could think about was that it was covered in germs. I'd touched a pen - had she touched that pen? I'd sat on a stool - had she touched that stool? When your mind starts racing this way, it's difficult to think about anything else. Heck, it's impossible. I had to try hold a conversation all whilst my heart was racing, my hands were sweating and my knee started jiggling, wanting to run out of the shop.

Stupidly, I agreed that I'd start tomorrow. Now I'm home, I realise that's not something I can do. And it is a horrible feeling. Knowing that someone had been so ill so recently and not knowing what they had touched and what I would have to touch tomorrow is just too much for my mind to take in. Now for other individuals, you may think I'm being irrational, drastic, and giving up a good opportunity. I wish, with all my heart, I could look at this situation differently, but I simply can't, and I also wish people understood the turmoil I, and others like me, have to go through on a daily basis.

Nothing is simple for me any more. Everything is regimented. Things have to be done to a certain standard for my brain to believe they are safe, and it is exhausting trying to up keep this level of hygiene. And what's worse is that times like today, it really shows that it affects my ability to function as a 'normal' member of society. Because I am so afraid I cannot work at the charity shop any more, because one person came in and said they had been ill. It's difficult to not get down about situations like this.

The sad thing is that there are so many others like me going through this, every single day of their lives. And I am ashamed to say that I am embarrassed in some ways. Today when I was filling out that application form, I didn't have the confidence to say 'I'm about to have a panic attack, I'll be back in a moment'. I hid it, and kept it in, making it not only mentally more painful, but also physically more difficult for me. And because I have had to give up the opportunity, I am now riddled with guilt, believing that I have let other people down, and also myself.

I wish we could talk about this kind of thing more. For those of us with mental health problems, we are fighting a battle every day, and sometimes the little things are the most difficult tasks for us. As a society, why can't we make this easier on those who suffer with ill mental health? If I'd have gone in there today as a diabetic and needed insulin all of a sudden, no one would have batted an eyelid. But I felt I had to hide my true feelings, hide the battle I was fighting.

If you know someone with a mental health problem, be gentle with them, for they are fighting a battle you may not understand or know of. Small tasks can be daunting, so offer support where needed whilst also being mindful that they probably want their own independence. Recognise that when they cancel plans or rearrange things last minute that they are actually being strong recognising that they have reached a limitation for that day and they need to look after themselves. It takes strength and courage to say no or to ask for help.

Also, remember that if they do change/cancel/rearrange plans and what not, that they may be feeling guilty. It's something a lot of individuals with mental health problems have to struggle with and it can be upsetting - I often feel like a let down, a burden and a just a bit of a crap person. Reassure the individual that it's okay and that you understand they have to do what is best for their health. If they'd twisted your ankle you wouldn't expect them to come walking with you, and we need to look at mental health in the same way.

Let's work towards reducing the stigma. Let's fight towards allowing us with mental health problems to be proud of who we are, despite our illnesses, and to not let these define us. We should be able to speak up when we're struggling and to not be afraid to show who we really are. We are doing the best we can with the tools that we've got and that, I think, deserves a round of applause.